One of my favourite, if not my favourite, theories as a therapist is humanistic theory, and by extension, person-centred therapy. This is where the idea of conditions of worth comes from, and something I encounter often in sessions. This is also why I like positive psychology, because it’s a great tool for managing our conditions of worth. Anyway, I hope you find today’s article on this topic interesting.
What Do I Mean By Conditions Of Worth
Conditions of worth are the external requirements we believe we must meet to be accepted and loved by others. Instead of feeling “prized” for who we are inherently, we begin to believe that our value is conditional (Proctor, 2017): “I am only good enough IF I act, think, or feel a certain way”.
Conditions of worth usually take root during childhood through the influence of significant others (parents, teachers, or peers). As I’ve stated before, I think my childhood would have been different if it weren’t for how my peers handled me not being White. That, from my peers, the abuse from some of my teachers and other chaparon figures (indifference from the rest), and the neglect at home created a perfect storm to fuck me up. In fact, if any one of these factors had been different, I might have had a different experience growing up.
This happens via two primary mechanisms, the first being conditional positive regard. This is when someone, typically a primary caregiver, shows affection or approval only when the child behaves in a specific way. For example, getting high marks, being quiet, or doing as they’re told.
To help make sense of conditional positive regard, it also helps to know what unconditional positive regard is. This is where our caregivers or other significant others accept us for who we are, not who they want us to be, and refrain from judgment and criticism (except for constructive feedback, which is ok). This form of positive regard isn’t withdrawn when we do something wrong or make a mistake (McLeod, 2008).
Over time, this conditional regard is internalised, and we stop looking to our own internal compass and start looking outward. Our focus shifts to external validation because we’ve introjected the values of others into our sense of self, which can also lead to the development of an internal critic.
The Impact Of Conditions Of Worth
The core conflict created by conditions of worth is the gap between our ‘real self’ and the ‘ideal self’. Our real self is who we actually are currently, including our true feelings and desires. Where we’re guided by intuition and personal needs. Whereas the ideal self is who we think we “should” be to be acceptable, and as such, we’re guided by “shoulds” and external expectations.
Because of this, the ideal self is unrealistic, or there’s at least a significant disparity between the two selves; this can lead to incongruence, resulting in unhappiness and even mental health issues (McLeod, 2008). For example, this can be a factor in low self-esteem and the development of conditions like depression and anxiety.
How To Heal From Our Conditions Of Worth
Unconditional positive regard
The very opposite of conditions of worth is unconditional positive regard. Thus, we need to work on our self-acceptance, which can start by treating ourselves with kindness and ridding ourselves of the internal judge in our heads. This is a core pillar of person-centred therapy. As a therapist, this would mean creating a judgment-free safe space. But we can also work on creating that space for ourselves.
Dismantle the conditions of worth
We don’t have to earn the right to exist. We’re all afforded the same rights, which include the right to be heard. We don’t have to be perfect to be loved; we’re all worthy of love. Our value isn’t determined by our job title or salary.
A useful question regarding this was proposed by Counsellor Tutor (2025), where we ask ourselves how we would complete the following: “If I am to be of value, I must…”:
- work hard.
- not cry.
- please others.
- not get angry.
- not show any weakness.
- be quiet.
- do as I am told.
If we hold some beliefs, then we’ve developed conditions of worth. Remember, “to err is human”, which is a fancy way of saying shit happens, and every one of us will make many, many mistakes in our lives. Thought and belief challenges can be useful here, such as reframing and putting our thoughts and beliefs on trial.
Letting go of our conditions of worth is how we become able to live to our full potential.
Identify the “shoulds”
Pay close attention to our internal monologue. Whenever we think, “I should do this” or “I ought to feel that way”, stop and ask ourselves: “Whose voice is that?” Is it our own genuine desire, or is it something forced upon us from a parent, a teacher, or a social media standard?
Remember, “should” statements are a cognitive bias. A quick way to get started with this is a simple journaling task, where we write down three “shoulds” we feel daily for the next week or two. Next to each “should”, write what we actually feel in those moments.
Practice self-empathy
Conditions of worth thrive on self-criticism. When we feel we’ve “failed” to meet a standard, reflect on how to take an unconditional positive regard approach, such as thinking about what we might say or do for a loved one that felt this way.
This is a simple reframing trick, as is replacing such thoughts like, “I’m useless because I didn’t finish my to-do list” with “My productivity doesn’t define my value as a person”.
Self
Our sense of self is very important because it shapes our perceptions. Thus, working towards our real self and ideal self coming into alignment can be a game-changer. This can start with understanding who this ideal self is, if this is a version of ourselves that we actually want to be, and exploring if this ideal self is even realistic. Assessing our values, needs, and wants can be a great place to start with this, because if they don’t align with the ideal self, then why is it our ideal self?
Seek healthy relationships
For us to be best placed to enjoy the full potential of growth, it helps to surround ourselves with people who aren’t judgmental and like us for us. Creating a healthy social support network like this has many benefits, especially if that means removing toxic and abusive people from our lives. Therefore, start paying attention to the people in our lives, to the people who let us be our authentic selves and those who we have to perform for to be liked.
Reconnect with our feelings
In the UK, we often praise the “stiff upper lip”, but this can sometimes force us to ignore our true feelings to remain “acceptable”. But this is problematic for many reasons. One such reason is that we may stay in situations that feel wrong to us. For example, staying in an abusive relationship. It can also lead us to downplay or completely ignore our own wants and needs, which isn’t healthy.
Safe space
Work on creating a safe space not just for ourselves, but for everyone else as well. Supportive environments based on unconditional positive regard can be life-changing (McLeod, 2008).
Validation
Ditch the external validation that’s making our lives miserable, and work on our internal validation. Accept that there will be setbacks, that we may fail at times, but also work on replacing our inner critic with a more neutral or positive one and treat ourselves with more kindness.
Summary
The conditions of worth we develop growing up or through abusive relationships and toxic environments can seriously erode our self-esteem, destroy our mental wellbeing, and generally lead to a low quality of life.
Dismantling the conditions of worth that have been forced upon us isn’t about becoming “selfish”; it’s about becoming authentic. When we stop living for the approval of others, we actually have more genuine energy to give to others because we aren’t operating out of debt or fear.
As always, leave your feedback in the comments section below. Also, please share your experiences with conditions of worth or positive regard in the comments section below as well. Don’t forget, if you want to stay up-to-date with my blog, you can sign up for my newsletter below. Alternatively, click the red bell icon in the bottom right corner to get push notifications for new articles.
Lastly, if you’d like to support my blog, please find the PayPal and Ko-fi donation payment options below. Until next time, Unwanted Life readers.
References
Counsellor Tutor (2025, May 14). Conditions of worth. Counselling Tutor. Retrieved from https://counsellingtutor.com/conditions-of-worth.
McLeod, S. A. (2008). Person centered therapy. Simply Psychology. Retrieved from https://www.simplypsychology.org/carl-rogers.html.
Proctor, C. (2017). Conditions of worth (Rogers). Encyclopedia of Personality and Individual Differences (Eds V Zeigler-Hill, TK Shackelford). Cham, Springer. Retrieved from https://www.pprc.gg/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/Conditions-of-Worth.pdf.