For the sake of your own wellbeing, sometimes you just have to cut people out of your life and start burning bridges. Cover that bridge in petrol, light a match, and burn that bridge down. There is nothing wrong with burning bridges and cutting people out of your life; I’ve done it several times myself. However, there are plenty of people who think they can’t do this, and I hope this article shows you that you have every right to do it, if that’s what you want.
Toxic Relationships And Burning Bridges
One thing you hear a lot about when burning bridges and cutting people out of your life is, “but they’re family”. Being family makes no difference. If they’re toxic, you can cut them out of your life for good. You owe nothing to anyone. That includes all your family members, including your parents. Just because someone’s family, that doesn’t mean they have special permission to treat you like trash, to take liberties, and making you feel like you’re worthless.
Don’t let the idea that blood is thicker than water keep you trapped with family that causes you nothing but harm. Family members will use this to get away with abusing you. Your mental wellbeing is more important.
Healthy relationships with our families and friends are valuable because they allow for a flow of information, support, and resources, trusting that this will be reciprocated if needed (Del Real, 2019). If your relationships don’t function on this basic ideal, then maybe it’s time to consider if the relationships are worth it.
A toxic relationship can come in many forms, but the basic concept is a relationship where there is a disparity in the relationship, where one person is subservient to someone else (Solferino and Tessitore, 2019). This usually means the dominant one is taking more out of the relationship than they’re putting in, while the other one is putting more in than they’re taking out.
Another example of a toxic relationship is bullying, which could be in the workplace from a boss or coworker, or in education from a fellow student. Here you’ll see the need to not only dominate the other person, but to do so with emotional and psychological abuse, and sometimes, violence.
The scientific literature is clear, toxic relationships have a negative effect on our health, while a healthy, supportive relationship will have positive effects on our health and wellbeing (Racionero-Plaza, León, Iglesias, and Ugalde, 2020). The outcome of remaining in a toxic relationship is damage to your health, wellbeing, and self-esteem. And the best way to get out of situations like this is to remove yourself from the situation all together and removing any pathways of return: AKA, burning bridges.
However, if the toxic relationship you need to end is a domestic abuse situation, then there are other steps to take to make sure you’re safe instead of just burning bridges. Please check out my article on domestic abuse by clicking here.
Burning Bridges And Ending Relationships – My Story
I’m more than willing to cut people out of my life nowadays. Before, I would always put other people before my own needs. My friends came before everything else in my life, even my romantic relationships. To me, that’s what it meant to be a friend. But the reality was I was just a people-pleaser. My quality of putting my friends before myself was never returned. As such, my self-esteem and my ability to trust plummeted.
I grew more and more resentful as I bent over backwards for the people in my life But, all they made me feel was that I was being used. I felt unwanted. I was something that was useful to them, but I doubt I would have been an afterthought to them.
If you’ve read my previous post “My Experience Of Making Plans With Poor Mental Health” or “Did Poor Mental Health Cause My Unhealthy Relationship With Food?” then you’ll be familiar with some of the issues I’ve had with my friends in the past. But that was only a taster.
Although I’m going to take you back to my childhood, I won’t go into my history of racial abuse and bullying here. I’ve talked about it a lot in my articles, but if you’d like to read about it, you can do so by clicking here.
Right back to my earliest memories, I’ve felt unwanted by those around me, but I was desperate to fit in, so I buried that feeling. Friends at school would talk behind my back because of my colour, and I knew about it, but what could I do? I couldn’t have no one at all to play with at school. Two faced friends were better than no friends at all, especially when you’re being abused by bullies and teachers.
But the one that hurt the most and for the longest was caused by my oldest and longest friend. This friend moved onto my street when I was four, and we’d known each other since then. However, throughout my childhood, they would only play with me if I had the newest game console or video game they wanted to play. I’d often see them walking past my house to go to another kids’ house further up the road when my video games weren’t of interest to them anymore.
It hurt, like everything else in my life at the time, but I endured. But I thought we had become genuine friends as adults, that is, until my mum got cancer. Although my relationship with my mum is strained at best (I make zero effort to contact or see her), when my mum told me she was in hospital with cancer, I planned my trip home. And I hate going to my racist hometown with a passion. While I was back, I contacted my friend to see if they wanted to meet for a pint, telling them my mum had just been diagnosed with cancer. They couldn’t meet, which would have been fine, but they never asked about my mum’s cancer during the call or ever. I cut all ties after that.
People on my postgraduate cause asked me constantly for an update about my mum’s cancer, but the person I’ve known the longest and thought had become a close friend, never asked once. But that wasn’t my only close friend to do that. I asked another close friend if they could meet. Again, they couldn’t, which again would have been fine, but they also never asked about my mum’s cancer or how I was doing. No then, not since.
This friend I’d financially supported a lot. I’d helped keep them fed when they couldn’t afford to eat, and I’d constantly write off the money they owed me because I didn’t care about money. So it hurt when they couldn’t even offer some basic empathy. It’s a weird experience when people you barely know care about you more than your close friends do. You just can’t call them friends after that. The close friendships I thought I’d had were all one sided.
It took me a long time to server those friendships. But they weren’t the first to be cut. During my undergraduate degree, I became close friends with someone. I even helped them get a job where I was volunteering. But things were going to change. They got into a relationship with someone who was extremely racist and proud. However, my friend gave their soon to be partner an ultimatum, that they had to stop being racist or there would be no relationship.
My friend’s new partner gave up their racist ways, and we all became good friends. However, they started to slip into their old habits out of the blue. They started supporting and spreading BNP (a far-right, fascist and white supremacist political party) material online. I gave them a chance to explain themselves several times, but they weren’t interested in talking abut it. To put this into perspective, they own a Johnny Rebel record. They even played it for me a few times because they wanted to show me who they used to be, but not anymore. It was the most racist thing I’d ever heard.
Because they wouldn’t talk to me about it, I tried talking to my friend who previously had a zero tolerance about it before the relationship. However, they didn’t see it as a problem. Thus, I burnt that bridge down. I’m too old and too tired to deal with racism again. I’d already been made to sacrifice my childhood to racism. I wasn’t giving it anymore.
I didn’t stop at cutting my friends out of my life either. I cut ties with my mum, but didn’t burn the bridge down as they’re my connection to the rest of my family. I’ve given my mum opportunities to fix our relationship, such as with the letter I sent her. But my mum has never once be interested in trying to repair our relationship. The only thing that matters to her is her god, which has left her completely alone, except for the kindness of my family. I won’t see my mum again until she’s dead or in the hospital, and I won’t talk to her unless the call is an emergency. That’s all that’s left of our relationship.
However, burning bridges had to be deployed with my aunt because they kept sharing content from white nationalist pages on Facebook, pages that promote the white replacement theory. Again, I gave them a chance to explain why they kept doing that when they have black family members, but they didn’t stop. So I blocked my aunt along with my mum. My hometown is just a breeding ground for racism and hate.
Much like I said in ‘The Dangers Of People-Pleasing‘, don’t be scared to remove the toxic people in your life. They’re not worth your time and energy. Which is what I do now. The costs of not doing that results in you just getting hurt time and time again and feeling used, time and time again. Everyone is fair game for the chopping block. I’ve felt loads better since adopting this approach. Burning bridges can be so cathartic.
How To Cut People Out Of Your Life
This doesn’t have to get complicated because you don’t owe the other person an explanation. It can be done by simply ignoring them and blocking their numbers and social media accounts. But if you really want to go out in a blaze of glory, you can lay it all out to them first.
As always, leave your feedback in the comments section below. Also, please share your experiences with burning bridges and cutting ties with people in the comments section below as well. Don’t forget to bookmark my site and if you want to stay up-to-date with my blog, then sign up for my newsletter below. Alternatively, get push notifications for new articles by clicking the red bell icon in the bottom right corner.
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References
Del Real, D. (2019). Toxic ties: The reproduction of legal violence within mixed-status intimate partners, relatives, and friends. International Migration Review, 53(2), 548-570. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0197918318769313, https://doi.org/10.1177/0197918318769313, https://escholarship.org/uc/item/42b0c8jm, and https://escholarship.org/content/qt42b0c8jm/qt42b0c8jm.pdf.
Racionero-Plaza, S., León, J. A. P., Iglesias, M. M., & Ugalde, L. (2020). Toxic nightlife relationships, substance abuse, and mental health: is there a link? A qualitative case study of two patients. Frontiers in psychiatry, 11. Retrieved from https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2020.608219/full, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7874131, and https://dx.doi.org/10.3389%2Ffpsyt.2020.608219.
Solferino, N., & Tessitore, M. E. (2019). Human networks and toxic relationships. Munich Personal RePEc Archive, No. 95756. Retrieved from https://mpra.ub.uni-muenchen.de/95756 and https://mpra.ub.uni-muenchen.de/95756/1/MPRA_paper_95756.pdf.
Great post, burning bridges doesn’t make a person disloyal, there can be misguided views of loyalty that can often lead to people keeping hold of toxic relationships.
I think it’s easy to confuse being a good friend with being a people pleaser.
I have no problem culling people especially if it is a relationship where I feel under attack, or used or as though I’m the only one doing the work to maintain the relationship, it’s better for my health.
p.s Apologies if this comment comes through multiple times – it telling me log in had expired underneath your article ??♀️
The idea of loyalty is often used to trap people or to make people do things they don’t want to do
Definitely, it’s an abusers dream tool
So very true
The ability to mute/block people on social media has been a blessing to my mental health.
My approach to ending relationships has usually been more subtle rather than having it out with them in a blaze of glory, reducing or cutting off contact – I tend to find I’m often the one maintaining the contact so it’s easy to say goodbye.
With my former old friends, that’s pretty much how it ended as well, I just didn’t need to carry on trying to maintain contact
I really enjoyed reading this, but also found it heartfelt and sad. I definitely think that you made the right decision cutting the two life long friends out of your life. They should have asked how your Mum is doing. It really must have hurt seeing these ‘so called friend’ walking past your house, in favour of someone else. I did this a long time ago after school, and I went from being anxious and stressed all of the time, hanging out with the wrong people, to gaining new friends and feeling much happier. Great post 🙂
You’d think such long term friends would at least ask once how my mum was doing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for what you have been through with your mum, friends and family. It is not okay to treat people the way that you have been treated.
This is such an important post. I’m all for cutting people out of you life. If they affect your mental health they should be a part of you life. It can be scary to do, but ultimately, you’ll do better for it.
I’ve cut people out before. Some of them I’ve made up with, but only when the ground rules have been laid down.
Thank you for sharing ❤️
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
I had to cut someone out of my life because it my so called “best friend” did things and said things that really affected my well-being. So I cut her out and although it was hard it was so good to not having that negative energy in my life. Thank you for sharing this post, I can definitely relate.
Lauren – bournemouthgirl
Thanks for sharing your experience of cutting people out of your life
I’m known as a dark sheep in my family because I refuse to allow them to treat me any kind of way and have cut many members off. They call me all sorts of names because they believe that the toxicity is love. It’s scary because a lot of toxic people have that mindset.
Great post!
It always baffles me how so many toxic people don’t realise they’re toxic
Being able to block and mute people on social media is a wonderful thing to have as it makes it easy to not see things you do not want to see. It is not that hard a decision for me because I will notice when one person is always sharing the same types of advocacy posts or memes that are going around Facebook. If the posts are bothering me, well, I have a way to stop seeing them.
Love that you share how and why you have cut people out of your life, as well as how that has helped you. It is important to think of myself when in any kind of relationship, especially if it is one that repeatedly has me second-guessing and feeling doubtful.
Thanks for sharing!
The ability to mute and block people is certainly an advantage on social media, although sometimes you have to go private if they’re the stalking kind who’ll make fake accounts to harass you
Thanks for sharing this. We went through hell with my partners family and don’t speak to any of his immediate blood related family, due to their behaviour. Best thing we ever did!
I am sorry you went through this.
Blood doesn’t mean a thing if they’re toxic
It seems like the most empathetic people I know have been through hell and back in one way or another. I’m so sorry people have treated you so terribly, especially your family. I hope you’re in a much, much better place now, with friends who are supportive and good to you.
I am, thanks
An important reminder here. I appreciated the note on how we shouldn’t feel obligated to give someone an explanation. Thanks again for sharing some of your personal story. Vulnerability BUILDS bridges. Keep on!
Indeed, you don’t owe people anything if they’re harmful to your wellbeing
There is a say in Italy which is all about forgetting the good you do for people, because more times than not they will pretend it never happened. But like you, I am learning to severe ties with people who do not belong in my life, whether they are friends or family. And with friends I honestly rather have a little number of them that I know I can fully trust than a whole ensemble I will not be able to communicate with if anything goes wrong.
I am sorry to hear about your mum and your relationship with her. But if this is what you need to live your life as happily as it can be, then be it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts
Love this post! I myself am trying to cut ties with people in my life that bring me down and it’s blooming hard but something that needs to be done. I’d much rather have a small circle around me then a huge group of people. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and your relationship. Xo
Elle – ellegracedeveson.com
Good luck with your own efforts to cut ties with people that aren’t good for you
Thank you for sharing this post. While I consider myself very lucky in my immediate family, some members of my extended family have been cut off by me and my parents- and it’s so important to distance yourself from those who are not good for you mental health. I hope this helps those who are looking for support and advice on this topic 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experience
(claps my hands) excellent read! Totally agree with the ‘positive people in our lives bring positivity to our mental wellbeing’ statement! Unfortunately cutting so called friends from our lives is all a learning curve and it takes time to realise this. But we get there.
Thanks for commenting
I’m more than horrified at what you went through as a child. Despite what people have done to you, you still show compassion to others, when you could be so angry and bitter.
I hope you find the peace and happiness you deserve.
I’m still probably a bit bitter and angry inside, I just hide it well
I never understood those in my life who encouraged me to not cut people out of my life who were extremely toxic; that I should somehow be nicer to them or just accept that’s the way they are and to ignore it. Your info and advice here is a reminder to protect your energy and boundaries. Thanks for sharing your experiences.
I guess we’ve all been brought up on the idea of the importance of family, loyalty, and not snitching. But more often than not, that only benefits the people who’ll abuse those concepts
Loved this post! I’ve learned how healthy it is to cut certain people out of your life. I always feel like some people are only in your life for a season or short period of time. Anytime I get a text from someone I’m needing to cut off it’s like the universes test to me to see if I’ll do it this time. I usually just stop replying or completely ghost someone.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
I agree that we have to burn bridges sometimes. For our own mental health.
Indeed
I believe this wholeheartedly, as I have done the same. It’s hard, but necessary to maintain good mental health and wellness.
Indeed is it
There is absolutely nothing wrong with cutting people off. In the end, you matter. It’s important to stay away from people who do not have positive impact on you and your mental health. Cutting people off doesn’t make you disloyal. It just means you have boundaries, you respect yourself and protect your mental health above all. Nothing, absolutely nothing is worth jeopardizing your wellbeing for.
Exactly
Agreed. I struggle with and even forget to push away and cut out people who are manipulative and toxic. Great read. Thanks for reminding me to have these boundaries.
~Michelle
Boundaries are very important to our wellbeing
I’m sorry you felt unwanted as a child. I definitely associated with the wrong types of people because of bullying also. But I’m very picky now with who I let into my life. I have a small cir le of friends, but I’m happier with that than a larger group of toxic people.
All you need is a few really good friends
Bullying in relationship is not really good. And I don’t like it at all. This post is really helpful and thank you for sharing.
Bully is never good
You’ve had to deal with a lot of toxic people in your life! It would seem like the right decision to cut those people off from your life. You can’t expect people to change and you’re right that toxic family members are particularly difficult to deal with. At a young age, it was impressed upon me that you should treat family even kinder than you would friends and that it’s easy to mistreat family because you think they will have to stick by you. From the other side, it’s really important to cherish your good relationships and keep feeding them so they don’t feel that you are a toxic person. Thanks for this heartfelt post.
You were raised to treat family better than most then
I have experienced some very toxic relationships in my life with people I know longer socialize with. Sometimes it is hard to see it for what it is though and then when something happens so that you can it is like the blinkers come off and you can see it. I have been horrified to think of what I put up with in the past that I wouldn’t now.
Often you don’t see how toxic something is until you’re already neck deep in it
The best thing I ever did was burn bridges with a certain parent, he abused me physically, mentally, emotionally and kept me trapped inside our home at the time I was in his care. Physically, I’m free of his torture, but mentally I’m not. I was in a similar situation at school, every friend I had was two-faced, making fun of my weight, my mental health.
If only we could mute and block people face to face. This was really powerful to read and you are bloody amazing, never forget that X
Disability abuse is far too common and more needs to be done to protect people in care.
It would be nice if we could mute and block people face-to-face, although I get the strange feeling that was a Black Mirror episode
This was a good article. I’ve been working on letting go on toxic people for a long time.
You’ll be better for it when you do