One question I think we’d all benefit from asking ourselves from time to time is, “Are we seeking validation from all the wrong places?”. My hope is that this article will help us understand if we have a problem with needing others’ approval, and how to overcome that.
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Approval Seeking Behaviour And Validation
Validation is a common need most of us experience, but such validation-seeking comes on a spectrum, from the least harmful to the most harmful (ignoring our rights and tolerating abuse; Arabi, 2022). On this spectrum, there are basically two types of validation, which play slightly different roles in our lives and which will also affect the quality of our lives.
External validation
External validation is when our sense of self-worth and approval comes from sources outside of ourselves, such as the opinions, praise, and acceptance of other people. This is where a lot of the issues can lie when the need for approval becomes unhealthy.
Internal validation
Internal validation, on the other hand, is the practice of deriving our sense of self-worth and fulfilment from within, based on our own beliefs, values, and understanding of ourselves, rather than relying on external approval and compliments from others, or needing achievements as some proof. We’re able to acknowledge and accept our own strengths and qualities (Arabi, 2022).
Signs We’re Seeking Approval From The Wrong Places
We all like to have the work we’ve put in recognised through external validation, as that sense of approval from others is why we often seek validation to feel accepted, valued, or worthy. While it’s a natural human need, it becomes problematic when we rely on it from sources that are unreliable, unhealthy, or unable to provide it. It’s also a problem when our self-worth is solely based on that sense of approval from others.
Lack of boundaries
A common sign of needing others’ approval is a lack of boundaries, especially if we feel guilty about having or setting boundaries (Arabi, 2022).
Dependence on social media use
Because we’re living in the digital age, seeking approval and external validation has become a 24/7 process. If we find ourselves constantly posting updates for the links, comments, and shares to bolster our self-worth, this may suggest issues with approval seeking (ImPossible Psychological Services, 2024).
Try thinking about whether we’ve ever felt high if a post has done well, or if we’ve felt worse if it didn’t get any interaction from others. Our happiness shouldn’t be tied to the metrics of social media and others’ approval.
Are we a people-pleaser?
Do we find ourselves saying “yes” to everyone and everything, even if it compromises our own needs, boundaries, or values? Being unable to say “no” to tasks or plans we’d rather not do for the purpose of maintaining others’ approval isn’t healthy (Arabi, 2022).
Saying “no” is an underrated skill. If this sounds like us, then this is because we prioritise their approval over our own comfort and authenticity. Another indicator of being a people-pleaser is changing one’s own opinions to match others.
Fear of being judged
If we have a fear of being ourselves with others, worrying about making mistakes, or are unwilling to challenge others due to fear of being judged or abandoned (Arabi, 2022), then this is another potential sign of having issues with needing approval.
Obsessed with external achievements
If we relentlessly pursue promotions, awards, or other forms of public recognition to feel like we’re “good enough”, then our identity may be tied to a need for others’ approval. Overachieving just to get praise from others is unhealthy (Arabi, 2022). So if we feel that we’d be worthless without our professional title or accomplishments, then it might be time to reflect on why that is.
Self-worth fluctuates
One of the clearest signs is that our mood and self-esteem are on a constant roller coaster, depending on how others respond to us. A compliment can make us feel great, but a critical comment or a lack of attention can send us into a spiral of self-doubt.
Feeling like we’ve not been chosen
There is a tendency to feel like we’re not being chosen in contexts like friendship groups, work, and school. If we’re punishing ourselves for this (Arabi, 2022), then we may have issues with needing others’ approval.
Comparisons with others
Constantly comparing ourselves to others, such as comparing our achievements, appearance, or success, can be a manifestation of validation-seeking behaviour (ImPossible Psychological Services, 2024). When we make these kinds of comparisons, we already know we’re setting ourselves up to feel bad about ourselves.
Comparing ourselves constantly to others can and will lead to a chronic sense of not being good enough and being less than others (Arabi, 2022).
Staying in unhealthy relationships
Are we tolerating toxic behaviour from a partner or friend because we’re desperate for their approval? Are we stuck believing their validation is the only way to feel worthy, even though it’s inconsistent or conditional? We can often find ourselves in situations like this through abusive manipulation, but also because of our own past experiences.
Can’t be alone
If we can’t stand being alone, where we find ourselves being without a romantic partner, to the point where we might be jumping from relationship to relationship, this can be a sign of needing others’ approval. Especially if we’re not taking the time to heal after a relationship ends just to avoid feeling alone (Arabi, 2022).
Justifying ourselves
Do we feel the need to defend our choices to everyone, even when we haven’t been asked? This often stems from a deep-seated belief that our decisions are wrong and we need external approval to validate them.
Anxious in social situations
When we have a high need for approval, this can cause anxiety to develop as a greater level of importance is placed on social interactions (Steers et al., 2016).
Decisions
If we struggle to make decisions, where we feel a need to get approval for every choice we make, big or small, then this can also be a sign. If we need others’ input (Arabi, 2022) or fear that our decision will be wrong without someone else confirming our choices, then this can be a sign of approval seeking (ImPossible Psychological Services, 2024).
Overly sensitive to criticism
When someone offers a piece of constructive criticism or disagrees with us, yet we take it as a personal attack, then this can be an indication of issues with needing approval. Of course, not all criticism is given equally, so it’s important to note if we’re acting defensively when it’s constructive criticism.
If we’re also having extreme reactions to even very minor negative feedback, then this is an indication of a deeper issue with approval (ImPossible Psychological Services, 2024). If we also feel a deep sense of shame because we’ve received some form of criticism, where we might feel that we’re somehow a “bad” person, then this is something that shouldn’t be overlooked.
Fear of disapproval
Those of us with approval-seeking tendencies may go to extraordinary lengths to avoid disapproval or criticism (ImPossible Psychological Services, 2024). We might ditch our sense of style for others so we can be accepted, or engage in other behaviours that stop us from being authentic.
Seeking Healthy Validation
As our need for approval goes up, our levels of neuroticism and self-esteem tend to go down (Steers et al., 2016). In simpler terms, people who need a lot of approval from others tend to have lower self-esteem and are less emotionally stable. Furthermore, a strong desire for others’ approval is linked to a higher risk of depression.
Validation-seeking, the act of looking for a sense of approval from others to prop up our self-esteem and self-worth, is a risky game to play (ImPossible Psychological Services, 2024). The problem with seeking approval is that not all sources are created equal, and many are either unreliable or unfulfilling. Social media metrics are fleeting, people-pleasing leads to burnout, and external achievements can’t provide lasting happiness.
From within
Instead of looking outward for approval and validation, a healthier approach is to build validation from within. This involves a journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. This is by far the most important source of validation. Thus, practice self-compassion, acknowledge our own worth, and celebrate our progress.
Detach from invalidating people
Unhealthy relationships offer conditional approval and validation that can be withdrawn at any time, leaving us feeling more worthless than before. Therefore, if we find ourselves seeking approval from others, we should ask ourselves if this person is a safe source of approval and validation (Arabi, 2022). Are they the kind of person who creates a safe space, or are they the kind of person who must exploit us?
Values
Try to live a life aligned with our core values, rather than the expectations of others. When we make choices that resonate with our authentic selves, we build a powerful sense of internal validation.
Practice saying “no”
We all have the right to say “no”, but people-pleasing will have us believe otherwise. This can be a hard habit to pick up, so start small.
Trusted relationships
Seek out relationships with people who offer unconditional support and appreciation, and create a social support network. Base your network on people who accept us for who we are, flaws and all.
Affirmations
Using positive affirmations can be a great way to build internal validation (Arabi, 2022), helping us to break free from the need for others’ approval.
The root of the problem
Although this often feels like a therapy cliché, a lot of our behaviours really do go back to our childhood. Take time to reflect on our lives and think about the times when we didn’t get enough validation or were criticised for making mistakes. Such experiences can cause us to grow up with a need for others’ approval and external validation.
Get out a journal and ask ourselves, “Was I deprived of healthy attention and praise as a child?” (Arabi, 2022) and if so, in what ways?
Summary
Like most things in life, it’s all about balance. Achieving this balance between internal and external validation is key to having healthy self-esteem and a good quality of life (Arabi, 2022). It’s ok to want to have our efforts validated, acknowledged, and for us to get approval. However, it becomes a problem when we can’t function without it.
The ultimate goal is to shift from needing approval from others (relying on others for external validation) to internal validation (affirming our own worth). This process involves building self-compassion, challenging distorted thoughts, and consciously making choices based on our values, not on the fear of what others might think.
As always, leave your feedback in the comments section below. Also, please share your experiences with needing approval and validation from others in the comments section below as well. Don’t forget, if you want to stay up-to-date with my blog, you can sign up for my newsletter below. Alternatively, click the red bell icon in the bottom right corner to get push notifications for new articles.
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References
Arabi, S. (2022, March). Do You Seek Validation from Others? Here’s How to Stop. Psych Central. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/health/steps-to-stop-seeking-approval-from-others.
ImPossible Psychological Services. (2024, February). Common signs of Validation-Seeking behaviour in relationships. ImPossible Psychological Services. Retrieved from https://www.impossiblepsychservices.com.sg/our-resources/articles/2024/01/19/common-signs-of-validation-seeking-behaviour-in-relationships.
Steers, M. L. N., Quist, M. C., Bryan, J. L., Foster, D. W., Young, C. M., & Neighbors, C. (2016). I want you to like me: Extraversion, need for approval, and time on Facebook as predictors of anxiety. Translational issues in psychological science, 2(3), 283. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC5383211/pdf/nihms-818040.pdf.