A Few Imaginative Ways To Tackle Your Unhealthy Guilt

Guilt, although a useful emotion, can also become quite debilitating. As such, I thought I’d put together a guide to help us better manage this difficult emotion. I hope you find this article informative.

 

 

Why It Is Important To Manage Our Feelings of Guilt

 

Managing our feelings of guilt is a key aspect of mental wellbeing. It is often an emotion that relates to someone’s sense of right and wrong, where most people experience this feeling after making a mistake or doing something they regret (GoodTherapy, n.d.). But it can also arise when we feel we’ve failed to meet a standard. Such feelings can become toxic when they’re persistent, disproportionate, or not based on a real transgression.

 

The effects of guilt are often uncomfortable. A state we don’t like to be in for obvious reasons. 
We might feel sadness, sorrow, or physical discomfort as a result of experiencing this emotion (GoodTherapy, n.d.). Some people might even become angry or frustrated with themselves. Because of how we can feel as a result of guilt, this can lead to positive change (Epstein, 2023), but not always.

 

We’re so often trapped by the belief we can do more or could have done something different, but most of the time, this is because we have the benefit (curse) of hindsight.

 

A common source of guilt nowadays is parental guilt, such as in response to what we feed our children (Hagerman, Ferrer, Klein, and Persky, 2020). A study by Pescud and Pettigrew (2014) found that for parents of overweight or obese children, this guilt for their feeding practices was often linked to time scarcity, cost, and fear of their children experiencing hunger, among others.

 

In today’s society, where both parents have to work and often still can’t afford the basics, time and cost are going to be a massive factor. Not only is there a full day of work, but there’s also the time wasted on commuting. It all adds up.

 

The perception of what makes a “good” parent can trap us in guilt. The belief that we should be able to do it all, a job, a spotless home, every meal being cooked from scratch, etc., etc., etc., is a bar that very few people can accomplish in the real world. Yet, knowing this doesn’t guarantee that the guilt will go away (GoodTherapy, n.d.).

 

 

 

Healthy Vs Unhealthy Guilt

 

Guilt, like most of our emotions, can be complex. It’s easy to become confused about what the difference is between healthy and unhealthy versions of this emotion, as we often have never stopped to think about it. The role of healthy guilt is to help us see when we may have wronged somebody, so we can apologise and make amends, and it helps maintain our social support network. Thus, healthy guilt has a purpose, a positive role in our lives.

 

The unhealthy version, on the other hand, has a negative effect on our lives. Generally, unhealthy guilt is a result of taking responsibility for things we have no reason to, such as for things outside of our control or even after our attempts to make amends have been accepted (Epstein, 2023). This means unhealthy guilt can start as being healthy.

 

So, whereas healthy guilt can motivate us to do better, the unhealthy kind becomes that voice in our head we can’t get rid of. This voice roots us in the past, where we get stuck in overthinking by repeating things that could have been different (Zayed, 2025). This type of guilt is super persistent.

 

 

How To Manage Feelings Of Guilt

 

Differentiate guilt from shame

First, it’s crucial to understand the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is a feeling that we’ve done something wrong (“I did a bad thing”). Shame, on the other hand, is the belief that we are fundamentally a bad person (“I am a bad person”). Guilt is a useful emotion that can motivate change, but shame is toxic and paralysing. Low self-worth and cognitive distortions often fuel shame, which then manifests as irrational guilt.

 

Identify and differentiate guilt

Not all guilt is created equal. Therefore, it’s essential to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy versions of this emotion, as understanding this distinction is crucial for supporting our wellbeing (McKenna, 2023). Thus, the first step is to figure out what type we’re experiencing. Guilt can be a valuable tool when it’s appropriate, but it can also be a significant source of suffering when it’s not.

 

Healthy guilt: This is the feeling that arises from a genuine mistake or wrongdoing. It serves a purpose by prompting us to apologise, make amends, or learn from our actions. This type of guilt is often manageable and leads to positive change.

 

Unhealthy guilt: This is a persistent and often irrational feeling which can come from several sources: 

• Survivor’s guilt: Feeling guilty for surviving a traumatic event that others did not. For example, surviving the 7/7 bombing in London.
• Toxic shame: A deep-seated belief that we are inherently a bad person, rather than that we did a bad thing.
• Perfectionism: There is a very strong connection between perfectionism and guilt. People who experience a high level of perfectionism, the need to always be perfect or at least be seen to be perfect, generally experience critical evaluations of their behaviours (Stoeber, Harris, and Moon, 2007). It can be as simple as feeling guilty for not meeting impossible standards that no one is expecting of us in the first place.
• External pressure: Feeling guilty for not living up to someone else’s expectations. The expectations of others can be crippling, and often, those people don’t have our interests at heart. This pressure is common with students and getting the right grades or studying a certain subject that they’re not good at, but their parents assume is the best course for them.

 

If we are dealing with healthy guilt, the best way to manage it is to take direct, values-based action. This can be as simple as saying “I’m sorry” or taking responsibility for our actions. If we’re dealing with unhealthy guilt, we need to work on shifting our mindset and challenging our beliefs.

 

Practice self-compassion

Self-compassion is a cornerstone of managing guilt. It involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer to a close friend. We can start by acknowledging the feeling, as trying to suppress or ignore our guilt won’t work out the way we hope it will. So, acknowledge that we are feeling it, but do so without judgment.

 

Normalise the experience by reminding ourselves that everyone makes mistakes and experiences guilt. We are not alone in this feeling. Then show kindness to ourselves, instead of using harsh self-talk, use gentle and supportive language. Forgive ourselves, as we would forgive a friend who made the same mistake.

 

By forgiving our mistakes, we’re stopping our healthy guilt from becoming unhealthy (Epstein, 2023). Thus, we avoid that negative doom spiral. Life is already hard enough; we don’t need to be weighed down by the burden of unhealthy guilt (McKenna, 2023). We all make mistakes.

 

 

Challenge guilt-inducing thoughts

Guilt is often fueled by unhelpful thought patterns. By challenging these thoughts, we can reduce the intensity of the emotion. One thought challenge that can be effective is to put our thoughts on trial, a form of fact-checking.

 

We can also ask ourselves if the thought is based on a genuine wrongdoing or a perceived one. Is the guilt we’re feeling proportional to what happened? For example, if we feel guilty for not answering a text message, is the feeling proportional to the “crime”?

 

We can also try replacing the guilt-inducing thought with one that is more realistic and compassionate. This is reframing. For example, instead of “I should have done more”, try “I did the best I could with the resources and information I had at the time”.

 

So, we could try asking ourselves, “Is this thought 100% true? What’s a more balanced perspective?”. Try to reframe the thought. Instead of “I’m a failure”, try “I’m a person who made a mistake, and I can learn from it”. Therefore, whenever we feel guilty, we should ask ourselves, “Is there a different point of view?”.

 

Take action or let go

Depending on the type of guilt, the final step is either to take action or to practice letting go. If it’s healthy guilt, then working on making amends, if needed, is the next step. Apologise, offer to help, or take steps to ensure the mistake doesn’t happen again. Taking some form of action can provide a sense of closure and relief.

 

If it’s unhealthy, then it’s time to practice letting go. This can be difficult, but it’s essential for our mental wellbeing. Consider journaling to process our feelings, talking to someone within our social support network, or practising mindfulness to accept the feeling without judgment.

 

 

Challenge cognitive distortions

Our feelings of guilt are likely rooted in distorted thought patterns. Thus, learning to identify and challenge these thoughts is key to managing this feeling, as well as our other emotions. For example:

 

• All-or-nothing thinking: This is where we see things in black and white. For example, “I made one mistake, so I’m a total failure”.
• Catastrophizing: This is where we blow things out of proportion. For example, “I didn’t meet a deadline, so now I’ll lose my job and my life will be ruined”.
• “Should” statements: These are rigid rules we impose on ourselves. For example, “I should have known better” or “I should have done that”, which can lead to disproportionate guilt.

 

“Should” statements can be particularly difficult to manage, as we often use such statements as a form of motivation, but in reality, “should” statements cause us to feel demotivated and frustrated, leading to self-loathing, guilt, and shame (Whalley, 2019).

 

Create a “guilt-free zone”

Sometimes, we need to deliberately take a break from our guilt. Set aside specific times or activities where we don’t allow ourselves to dwell on the feeling. This could be during a walk, while listening to music, or while engaging in a hobby. This practice teaches our mind that we have a choice in where we direct our focus.

 

Accept mistakes

 

Perfectionism can be broken down into two types: healthy(ish) and unhealthy. It can be ok to strive for perfection, but we’re also ok if we don’t hit that level. Unhealthy perfectionism is where nothing else will do. However, even with these two types of perfectionism, Stoeber, Harris, and Moon (2007) found that both types were prone to feeling guilty if something serious went wrong.

 

 

Name the guilt

Separate the feelings of guilt from us as a whole, and instead make that feeling of guilt another person and give it a name. For example, Lucy, the guilt fairy. From now on, every time Lucy pops up, treat them as if they were being mean to someone we care about. What would we do in a situation where Lucy was being mean to someone we care about?

 

Hugging the cactus

We can experience a high level of discomfort when we’re feeling guilty, which can create a strong desire to avoid that discomfort (Johnston, 2024). But as Robert Downey Jr. said, hugging the cactus can be the best way to change and grow.

 

Understand control

There are things within our control, and a whole lot of things outside of our control. Unfortunately, we often get stuck on the things we can’t control, causing a spiral into guilt (Zayed, 2025). We can’t control other people’s happiness, but often we seek to do so and beat ourselves up if we perceive ourselves to have failed at that.

 

Instead, objectively look at a situation and work out what is within our control and what isn’t. If something isn’t within our control, then what’s the point in worrying about it? If we still find ourselves stuck here, journal about why we can’t accept this

Professional support

If our guilt is severe and persistent, or if it’s deeply tied to past trauma, seeking professional help from a therapist is a crucial and brave step.

 

 

Summary

 

Unhealthy (toxic) guilt, is an overwhelming and irrational feeling of responsibility for things that are not our fault, beyond our control, or for which we’ve already made amends. It is a persistent feeling of worthlessness and self-blame that causes excessive self-punishment, often leading to depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues.

 

Unlike healthy guilt, which serves to correct mistakes and foster personal growth, unhealthy guilt is unproductive, paralysing, and holds us back from moving forward. It can also lead to the development of other unhealthy behaviours.

 

Remember that managing guilt is a process. Be patient and kind with ourselves, and celebrate every small step we take toward a more compassionate and peaceful mindset.

 

As always, leave your feedback in the comments section below. Also, please share your experiences with guilt in the comments section below as well. Don’t forget, if you want to stay up-to-date with my blog, you can sign up for my newsletter below. Alternatively, click the red bell icon in the bottom right corner to get push notifications for new articles.

 

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Referrences

 

Epstein, S. (2023, May). How to tell the difference when they feel the same. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/between-the-generations/202305/whats-the-difference-between-healthy-and-unhealthy-guilt.

GoodTherapy. (n.d.). Overcoming guilt. GoodTherapy. Retrieved from https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/guilt/overcome.

Hagerman, C. J., Ferrer, R. A., Klein, W. M., & Persky, S. (2020). Association of parental guilt with harmful versus healthful eating and feeding from a virtual reality buffet. Health Psychology, 39(3), 199. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7544524/pdf/nihms-1064480.pdf.

Johnston, E. (2024, June). Guilt catalyst for positive change?. PeoplePsych. Retrieved from https://peoplepsych.com/guilt-catalyst-for-positive-change.

McKenna, K. (2023, September). The difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt. Sit With Kelly. Retrieved from https://www.sitwithkelly.com/blog/navigating-guilt.

Pescud, M., & Pettigrew, S. (2014). ‘I know it’s wrong, but…’: a qualitative investigation of low‐income parents’ feelings of guilt about their child‐feeding practices. Maternal & Child Nutrition, 10(3), 422-435. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6860221/pdf/MCN-10-422.pdf.

Stoeber, J., Harris, R. A., & Moon, P. S. (2007). Perfectionism and the experience of pride, shame, and guilt: Comparing healthy perfectionists, unhealthy perfectionists, and non-perfectionists. Personality and Individual Differences, 43(1), 131-141. Retrieved from https://kar.kent.ac.uk/2292/1/Stoeber_&_Harris_&_Moon_PrideShameGuilt_2007.pdf.

Whalley, M. (2019, May). Cognitive distortions: Unhelpful thinking habits. Psychology Tools. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/unhelpful-thinking-styles-cognitive-distortions-in-cbt.

Zayed, M. (2025, August). Knowing the difference between healthy and unhealthy guilt – the OCD & Anxiety Center. The OCD & Anxiety Center. Retrieved from https://theocdandanxietycenter.com/knowing-the-difference-between-healthy-and-unhealthy-guilt.