I was inspired to write this article after a client contacted me wanting support with retroactive jealousy. It was a term I hadn’t heard before, although I understood what it was. Nevertheless, I wanted to learn more about it and this article is the result of that. I hope you find it informative.
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What Is Jealousy?
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A basic definition of jealousy comes from Oxford Learner’s Dictionaries, which defines jealousy as being how someone becomes angry or unhappy about someone’s relationship or something they have, or their successes or achievements.
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According to the people at Psych Central, jealousy within a relationship is when someone or something is seen as a threat to the relationship, such as your partner having an attractive friend they often hang out with. This form of jealousy often comes with feelings of anxiety, distrust, and fear of rejection or loss (Parrott and Smith, 1993).
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Jealousy is a basic emotion that evolved to solve problems of survival and mating (Buss, 2013). Everyone has experienced a little jealousy at some point in their life, as it’s a natural emotion to feel (Talkspace), and negative emotions don’t really exist as they all have a role to play.
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However, as I’m sure a lot of us are aware, jealousy in the modern era can be dangerous if left unresolved. Not only is it harmful to relationships, but it can lead to acts of violence. According to Daly, Wilson, and Weghorst (1982), male sexual jealousy with the leading factor in partner-based murders in Detroit. This is why leaving an abusive partner can be so dangerous.
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It’s useful to note that jealousy and envy are different emotions, but also two sides of the same coin. Protasi (2017) argues that envy is about lacking something, whereas jealousy is focused on the fear of losing something. Unfortunately, modern usage has seen these two words used interchangeably. Where someone may say something like, “I’m well jel” when really they mean they’re envious because they’re not unhappy or angry.
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What Is Retroactive Jealousy?
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Retroactive jealousy occurs when someone feels upset about a partner’s romantic history (Frampton and Fox, 2018). This form of jealousy will be an unhealthy interest in their partner’s or potential partner’s sexual/romantic history (Blayney and Burgess, 2024).
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Most of the time, retroactive jealousy is completely unfounded (Psych Central), such as their previous partners not actively interfering in the new relationship (Frampton and Fox, 2018). As you can imagine, this will have a detrimental effect on the wellbeing of the person experiencing retroactive jealousy, and their relationships (Blayney and Burgess, 2024).
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For several decades now, it’s common in many cultures for people to have several partners or to be sexually involved with several people (Frampton and Fox, 2018). If anything, in my generation it was seen as being uncommon to not have slept with someone before entering their twenties, with many Hollywood films basing movies on this belief. It’s also not unheard of for people to be in a truple, have a friend with benefits, be nonmonogamous, or have an open relationship. That’s why I use “partner(s)” when talking about relationships in my articles.
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People experiencing retroactive jealousy go beyond what would be considered typical jealousy, experiencing negative intrusive thoughts, anxiety, disgust, anger, and sadness relating to their partner’s past (Blayney and Burgess, 2024).
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This is where comparisons can creep in, whereby the person experiencing retroactive jealousy will compare themselves to their partner’s former partners, who they perceive as rivals. This can cause the person to let these thoughts live in their head rent-free, causing them to judge, interrogate, and seek reassurance from their partner(s) (Blayney and Burgess, 2024). We rarely ever come out on top when making comparisons. How many relationships do you think can survive this can of pressure?
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Signs Of Retroactive Jealousy
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Often, the cause of someone’s retroactive jealousy may not be known (Verywell Health). Sometimes therapy can help get to the bottom of this, but this isn’t always the case. However, several factors can increase the likelihood of issues with retroactive jealousy, such as insecurity, the experience of being betrayed, trauma, problems with attachment, and low self-esteem.
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Values
If you’re questioning your partner’s values because you have an issue with your partner(s) or perspective partner’s past (Blayney and Burgess, 2024), then this could be an indication of retroactive jealousy. For example, do you make sarcastic or degrading comments about your partner(s) or potential partner’s former relationships or sexual experiences (Psych Central)?
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Obsessive thoughts
Another potential sign of retroactive jealousy is if you’re unable to stop thinking about a partner’s romantic and sexual history.
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Social media
According to Psych Central, people who are experiencing retroactive jealousy might deploy tactics to gain information about their partner(s) and prospective partner’s past, such as using social media. The convenience of social media can unintentionally promote jealousy because of people’s associations and visibility (Frampton and Fox, 2018). This also makes it a great resource to gather information about a partner’s or a potential partner’s former partners (Psych Centra). What a mouthful.
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Imaginary scenarios
Do you find you’re creating imaginary scenarios between your partner(s) or potential partner(s) and people from their past (Blayney and Burgess, 2024)? If so, this might be an indication of retroactive jealousy.
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Comparisons
Have you found yourself making comments like, “Your ex was more attractive than me” or “I bet you wish you were still with your ex?” (Psych Central). If so, this could be a sign that you’re struggling with retroactive jealousy.
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Accusations
If you’re experiencing a pretty overwhelming level of retroactive jealousy, you may find you’re making false accusations about your partner(s) or potential partner(s). You may find yourself accusing them of hiding stuff from you or that they’re still talking to their former partner(s). This is a surefire way to push them away, leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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How To Overcome Retroactive Jealousy
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Background noise
Instead of engaging with your unwanted intrusive thoughts triggered by jealousy, learn to leave these thoughts alone without trying to suppress them. When we engage with these thoughts or we try to suppress them, we can add fuel to the fire. Allowing the thoughts to be background chatter like at a cafe, can lead to the thoughts eventually going away in time (Blayney and Burgess, 2024). In short, don’t buy into the crap your mind is trying to sell you.
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Disengage
Where possible, avoid engaging in things that might trigger your retroactive jealousy, such as cutting back on social media use, or at least not using it to stalk your partner’s former partners (Verywell Health).
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A study by Frampton and Fox (2018) found that social networking sites lead to retroactive jealousy through social comparison. They also found that such sites made it easy for people to gather information and monitor their partner(s) or prospective partner(s).
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Speaking from my own experience, I had a partner who went through my Facebook photo albums going back years, and then told me I had to delete some photos of me with a former partner. They were unwilling to budge on this. I hadn’t even been in a relationship with that former partner for years, and we didn’t live in the same country. Suffice it to say, that relationship didn’t work out.
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Journaling
Take some time to engage in some introspection and explore your retroactive jealousy to identify where these feelings and unwanted thoughts are coming from (Psych Central). This makes for a great journaling task because it helps you gather your thoughts, it slows your thinking down so you don’t feel as overwhelmed by them, and it helps you brain dump those thoughts. This will hopefully help reduce the frequency of those thoughts.
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Ideally, this will also help you come to realise that what you’re experiencing isn’t justified and that it has nothing to do with your partner(s) or potential partner, but rather it is about you and something left unresolved (Blayney and Burgess, 2024).
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Attachment history
Exploring your attachment history, seeing where something might have been adaptive at one point, might have become maladaptive, can help you work on overcoming your issues with jealousy (Blayney and Burgess, 2024).
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Outcomes
When we experience retroactive jealousy, we often fixate on the negative outcomes as we become susceptible to cognitive biases that cause us to focus on the negatives. To counter this, explore the potential positive outcomes.
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Self-esteem
A strong factor in jealousy is poor self-esteem and a poor sense of self. Therefore, working on your sense of self and your self-esteem can help someone overcome their issues with jealousy (Blayney and Burgess, 2024). Consider positive psychology interventions like a self-praise diary or taking time to focus on your own strengths and positive qualities. You might also want to address your comparison-making habits.
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Consider asking yourself the following question by Stockill (2013):
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If you were completely comfortable in your own skin, and completely confident about your abilities as a lover, would your partner’s past bother you so much?
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More often than not, the answer is no. Also, consider the following: Does sex define what your relationship is or how much you love each other? Can you have a relationship with someone and be happy without the sex being like you see in a porno? If asexual people can have long-term loving relationships without sexual prowess being a deal breaker, why can’t other people? Again, this would make for a great journaling task.
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Grounding techniques
Psych Central suggested using grounding techniques so you can re-centre yourself when you find you’re retroactive jealousy is becoming unmanageable. I have a section of grounding techniques that you can find in a previous article by clicking here.
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Relationship green flags
You might also find it useful to reflect on the relationship green and red flags to help you work towards a healthier relationship.
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Thought challenges
A good way to tackle unwanted intrusive thoughts is to develop healthy strategies to combat them (Cleveland Clinic; and Blayney and Burgess, 2024). One way to do this is to journal more, but another way is to engage in thought challenges. There are three thought challenges that might be useful for retroactive jealousy. They are reframing, putting your thoughts on trial, and looking for the silver lining, which can be useful when reflecting on your previous experiences. All of which I have articles on, which you can find with a quick search.
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Talk
If you’re unable to overcome this on your own, consider talking to a loved one about your issue, or your partner(s) or potential partner(s). A sign of a healthy relationship is the ability to talk to each other about problems like this. If you’re able to, you might also want to consider talking to a therapist.
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Summary
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Jealousy and retroactive jealousy can be debilitating to deal with, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t ways to overcome these feelings. Remember, your mind isn’t the master of you. You don’t have to let feelings of jealousy ruin your life or your relationships. It’s time to take back control, and hopefully, the suggestions in this article will help you do just that.
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As always, leave your feedback in the comments section below. Also, please share your experiences with jealousy and reactive jealousy in the comments section below. Don’t forget, if you want to stay up-to-date with my blog, you can sign up for my newsletter below. Alternatively, click the red bell icon in the bottom right corner to get push notifications for new articles.
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References
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Blayney, R., & Burgess, M. (2024). Identifying points for therapeutic intervention from the lived experiences of people seeking help for retroactive jealousy. Counselling and Psychotherapy Research, 24(2), 591-599. Retrieved from https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1002/capr.12697.
Buss, D. M. (2013). Sexual jealousy. Psihologijske teme, 22(2), 155-182. Retrieved from https://hrcak.srce.hr/file/159877.
Daly, M., Wilson, M., & Weghorst, S. J. (1982). Male sexual jealousy. Ethology and sociobiology, 3(1), 11-27. Retrieved from https://www.martindaly.ca/uploads/2/3/7/0/23707972/daly_wilson_wegorst_1982_msj.pdf.
Frampton, J. R., & Fox, J. (2018). Social media’s role in romantic partners’ retroactive jealousy: Social comparison, uncertainty, and information seeking. Social Media+ Society, 4(3), 2056305118800317. Retrieved from https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/pdf/10.1177/2056305118800317.
Parrott, W. G., & Smith, R. H. (1993). Distinguishing the experiences of envy and jealousy. Journal of personality and social psychology, 64(6), 906. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/profile/W-Parrott/publication/14871772_Distinguishing_the_Experiences_of_Envy_and_Jealousy/links/570eb71908aed4bec6fde847/Distinguishing-the-Experiences-of-Envy-and-Jealousy.pdf.
Protasi, S. (2017). ‘I’m not envious, I’m just jealous!’: On the Difference Between Envy and Jealousy. Journal of the American Philosophical Association, 3(3), 316-333. Retrieved from https://philpapers.org/archive/PROINE.pdf.
Stockill, Z. (2013). Overcoming retroactive jealousy. Retrieved from https://www.retroactivejealousy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Sample-chapters-Overcoming-Retroactive-Jealousy.pdf.
It’s normal for people in love to get jealous. But over jealous is bad. Thank you for sharing tips to overcome it.
The healthier the relationship, the less that will hopefully happen
This is awesome to help understand how to overcome it and what it is. Jealousy is something we need to avoid for sure.
Indeed. Thanks for commenting
An excellent piece and I love the phrase: don’t buy into the crap your mind is trying to sell you. So perfect!
I recognise some past behaviour of me from this, and it turns out it was formed of low self esteem. Thankfully, I am still with the same person and now in a far better place.
As always, thank you for your wonderful insights.
It’s always good to hear about a positive story like yours. Thanks for sharing
Our thoughts can be so intrusive and unfortunately to our own detriment and that of our relationships too. But who knew this type of anxiety had its own name.
I read this with intrigue. And as always I’ve learned something new.
Indeed. Our minds aren’t always our friends. Thanks for commenting