Many people with anxiety can struggle to start a conversation because of their fear of how the conversation will go. They may worry about what will happen next rather than being in the present moment while in the conversation and having a mindful conversation. Therefore, I thought I’d create an article on the topic of being mindful and present in a conversation. I hope you find it useful.
What Is Mindfulness?
Mindfulness is all about self-awareness in the moment, any given moment (Struckmeyer, 2020). This is why it’s a popular form of meditation, and you might also recognise its connection with grounding techniques, which are methods to help root yourself in the here and now.
What Does It Mean To Be Mindful And Present In A Conversation?
You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who doesn’t see the importance of good healthy and effective communication. More often than not, a lot of relationship issues my clients have had are down to poor communication.
We all like to feel like we’ve been listened to, which is why being mindful and present in a conversation is so valuable, leading to a range of positive outcomes. Otherwise, we risk the other people in the conversation believing we’re not paying attention or don’t value what they’re saying or their time because we can pick up on cues when we feel people aren’t present in a conversation (Anderson, 2023).
The problem is, in our day-to-day life, we often find ourselves entering mindless listening in conversations, rather than being mindful and present in a conversation (Calm, 2024). All too often we can find ourselves hearing someone speak, but not listening to what they’re saying, which might be because our minds are elsewhere.
Being mindful and present in a conversation involves applying the principles of mindfulness to the way we communicate with other people (Anderson, 2023). Thus, being mindful and present in a conversation involves actively engaging and focusing your attention on the people in the conversation. This also helps to create a safe space for people, because when we feel heard, we feel safer to be more open and honest, allowing for deeper and more personal connections within our social support networks.
The Four Common Roadblocks To Being Mindful And Present In A Conversation
According to Anderson (2023), there are four roadblocks to being mindful and present in a conversation. Each of these can bring us out of the conversation, removing us from the present moment, and creating a distance with the people we’re in a conversation with.
- Comparing your experiences and thoughts to others (Comparing yourself to others is rarely a good thing to do).
- Mind reading and trying to predict what the speaker will say next (engaging in mind reading is a harmful cognitive bias).
- Rehearsing the next part of your contribution to the conversation, AKA what you plan to say next.
- Judging what the person talking to you is saying before they’ve finished.
How To Be Mindful And Present In A Conversation
Active listening
Starting with the basics of communication: active listening. To do this, pay attention to what the other people in the conversation are saying, maintain eye contact (but you don’t need to lock in and steer in their eyes the whole time), and use verbal and non-verbal cues that show you’re giving them your attention (Positive Mind Works, 2023). Such cues are things like nodding your head and saying “yeah”.
Through active listening, we’re able to give the person talking our full attention, helping us to not only understand their words but also their intentions and emotions as well (Calm, 2024). This is important because a significant part of communication is non-verbal.
Silence
It is a valuable skill to become comfortable with silence because often we feel the need to fill silence with our own talking to avoid the uncomfortableness of silence (Anderson, 2023). However, silence can be very useful. It allows people to collect their thoughts, and when it comes to therapy, this is extremely important.
Minimise distractions
When possible, and appropriate, try to minimise distractions, such as putting your phone down, silencing your notifications, and finding a quieter place to talk (Positive Mind Works, 2023).
Open-ended questions
An easy way to show you’re interested in the person(s) you’re talking to and to show you’re curious about them is to ask open-ended questions. A typical open-ended question has more than a yes or no binary way to answer it, such as “What are your hobbies?” rather than asking “Do you like football?”. Using open-ended questions allows the person you’re conversing with to feel encouraged to share more (Calm, 2024).
Paraphrasing
An easy way to show that you’ve been paying attention to what someone has told you, or to seek clarification, is to paraphrase what they just said (Anderson, 2023). This is another simple technique, one that is used a lot in therapy.
Non-judgemental
An important part of being mindful and present in a conversation is to be non-judgemental (Arendt, Pircher Verdorfer, Kugler, 2019; Struckmeyer, 2020; and Koziarevych-Zozulya, 2021). But it’s also important to remember that we are human, and we can’t help making snap judgements, as it’s part of our survival mechanism.
However, as long as you don’t let that initial judgment bias your presence in the conversation, then that’s ok. Because these initial judgements don’t last, and if you can remain open, then these initial judgements will be replaced.
Avoid interrupting
To show that you’re respecting the other person talking, avoid interrupting, and if you do interrupt, apologise and allow them to carry on saying what they were saying (Positive Mind Works, 2023; and Calm, 2024). This includes trying to avoid finishing other people’s sentences and conversations (Anderson, 2023).
Use positive body language
Try to steer your body towards the person talking to you when you can. Another option is to lean in slightly, nod occasionally, and maintain an open posture to show you’re engaged and interested.
Don’t just listen enough to respond
Try to avoid listening just enough to formulate a response, because when we do that, we often miss a lot of other significant information that might affect the original response we’d started working on in our mind (Positive Mind Works, 2023).
Difficult conversations
Just because you’re trying to be mindful and present in a conversation, that doesn’t mean you can’t have difficult conversations. If anything, this approach will help you navigate such difficult conversations (Struckmeyer, 2020).
Respond thoughtfully
Try to avoid generic one-word responses, because that makes it hard to maintain a conversation. Instead, try to take a moment to formulate a thoughtful response that shows you were listening attentively and have something valuable to contribute.
Remain calm
One of the three facts of mindfulness in communication, and thus being mindful and present in a conversation, is staying calm and avoiding being impulsive in conversations (Arendt, Pircher Verdorfer, Kugler, 2019). Because words have power (Struckmeyer, 2020), and how we say things can change that power, we might find ourselves reacting before fully understanding what’s been said.
What we say
When speaking, try to consider your choice of words and how you say those words (Struckmeyer, 2020). This might be as simple as using the right pronouns or using more inclusive terminology. One example of this from my profession is to say ‘someone is struggling with substance dependency‘ rather than referring to them as being an ‘addict’. That’s because the latter has a lot of stigma attached to it.
Authentic
Being authentic and truthful has many benefits. What’s the point of being someone we’re not? Being who we really are and being truthful helps build trust, and it encourages other people to do the same (Anderson, 2023). Again, this is a great way to create a safe space.
Summary
By following these tips, you can cultivate a more present, mindful, and engaging communication style, fostering stronger connections and enriching your conversations. Thus, allowing you to be more mindful and present in a conversation.
Remember, being present and mindful is an ongoing practice, so be kind to yourself if your mind wanders at times. With conscious effort and practice, you can develop your ability to be truly present and engaged in conversations.
If you’re approaching this as a way to tackle your social anxiety disorder, focus on using open-ended questions. Everything else can be worked on at a later date. Open-ended questions are enough to get a conversation going and maintain it.
As always, leave your feedback in the comments section below. Also, please share your experiences with being mindful and present in a conversation in the comments section below. Don’t forget, if you want to stay up-to-date with my blog, you can sign up for my newsletter below. Alternatively, click the red bell icon in the bottom right corner to get push notifications for new articles.
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References
Anderson, B. (2023, October). Mindful communication. SIGMA Assessment Systems. Retrieved from https://www.sigmaassessmentsystems.com/mindful-communication.
Arendt, J. F. W., Pircher Verdorfer, A., & Kugler, K. G. (2019). Mindfulness and Leadership: Communication as a Behavioral Correlate of Leader Mindfulness and Its Effect on Follower Satisfaction. Frontiers in psychology, 10, 667. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00667 and https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6450257.
Calm (2024, February). Mindful listening: How to improve your communication. Calm. Retrieved from https://www.calm.com/blog/mindful-listening.
Koziarevych-Zozulya, L. (2021). Fascinative parameters of mindful communcation: linguisctic view. In Kyiv National Linguistic University, Актуальнi Питання Гуманiтарних Наук: Vol. т. 1 (Issue Вип 45, pp. 138–139) [Journal-article]. Retrieved from http://www.aphn-journal.in.ua/archive/45_2021/part_1/22.pdf, https://doi.org/10.24919/2308-4863/45-1-22, and http://aphn-journal.in.ua/archive/45_2021/part_1/45-1_2021.pdf#page=138.
Positive Mind Works. (2023, November). 7 Ways to be More Present When Talking to Someone. Positive mind works. Retrieved from https://www.positivemindworks.co/7-ways-to-be-more-present-when-talking-to-someone.
Struckmeyer, K. M. (2020). Mindful conversations: Using mindfulness in talking with aging loved ones. Oklahoma Cooperative Extension Service. Retrieved from https://openresearch.okstate.edu/server/api/core/bitstreams/de492524-20f1-4cb6-922b-985503311c29/content.
This is such an important skill in todays world where we all have something to say. That of being present in conversations.
A skill we could all benefit from getting better at. Thanks for commenting
I agree. To be a good communicator you must also be a good listener. You must listen with your mind, heart, and soul. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for commenting
These tips are so valuable and I think generally underrated. I think these apply in almost all situations. One thing you pointed out was being mindful of the types of words we are using, such as, in the example you provided, with someone going through their own journey. It really makes all the difference. Thank you for highlighting these aspects of mindful and respectful communication.
Thanks for commenting, and happy holidays 🎄