Invisible Disability: Freedom Pass
A couple of days ago I was sent my very first disability freedom pass. At first, I thought it was great, but it has come with some unforeseen issues for me.
For those of you who don’t know what a freedom pass is, it’s a travel card that allows you to travel for free. The freedom pass is given to people over 60, whereas the disability freedom pass is given to those with a disability.
I’d often turned down going out because of the expense of travelling to meet people around the city. This was especially true if I was going to have to travel multiple times over the week. One day’s train and tube travel is a significant amount of my money. Hence turning down a lot of plans to meet up.
So surely, getting my disability freedom pass is a good thing? In regards to the money I’ll save, yes.
“I was a little excited”
At first, I was a little excited to use my disability freedom pass for the first time. I just wanted to go out somewhere solely so I could use it. Just hop on a bus to town or something. But that switched to anxiety pretty quickly.
I get anxious every time I plan to use it now. I’m filled with thoughts that I’ll be questioned for using my disability freedom pass. All because my disabilities are invisible.
Unlike most people that I’ve seen with a disability freedom pass, who’ve been in wheelchairs, blind, etc., their disabilities could all be literally seen with your eyes. Me, however, is all internal. I have problems with my autonomic system that is affecting my eyes, my balance, my digestive system (My GP Surgery Test Results), and my heart.
It also causes me to have dizzy spells, lose the ability to move after a minuscule amount of exercise (accompanied by loss of bladder and bowel control; The Weirdness Of My Anxiety Disorders), mini-blackouts, and foggy impaired thinking. And then theirs my mental health problems.
All my problems mean I’m not safe to drive, and in fact, it would be illegal for me to do so at present. As a result, I met the criteria to apply for a disability freedom pass: so I applied.
“I met the criteria to apply for a disability freedom pass: so I applied”
I felt like a sham. It didn’t matter that I knew I met the requirements to request I be reviewed for a disability freedom pass. Even though it was deemed that I should have the pass, I still felt like a sham.
Just applying in the first place made me feel like I was trying to take advantage of the system for my own gain. But I was able to manage that by the reality that, if they don’t believe I qualify, they’ll simply reject my application, and I’ll be no worse off than I was before: not having a freedom pass.
But now that I have it, I’m left with the anxiety of not looking like I should have one. Because if you just look at me, you’d have no idea I had any health problems.
“I felt like a fraud”
When I did use my disability freedom pass for the first time, I felt like a fraud. To make matters worse, I also felt guilty when other disabled freedom pass users were in wheelchairs and I’m walking around looking all healthy with my pass. I felt this even though my autonomics doctor and the people in charge of reviewing and issuing the disability freedom pass all thought I was deserving of it.
I really hope these feelings pass soon.
It doesn’t help that I keep seeing stories from various news sources of how people with blue disability parking badges keep getting harassed. All because they’re parking in a disability parking spot when they don’t look disabled enough.
“They don’t look disabled enough”
I’ve experienced something similar when I took my mum out for her birthday (After The Dust Has Settled: My Weekend With My Mum). My mum’s cancer ravaged her bones causing her to need a walking frame, and at times, a wheelchair. My mum can get around ok most the time with her walking frame because the damage caused by her cancer was to the bones in her upper body. I know this, but other people don’t, and I had to justify her to people who kept making comments about her behind her back.
I was shocked and disgusted by this behaviour. But it also reinforced an anxiety that was starting to grow in me. An anxiety about having to deal with my own health problems and being accepted. Even my own mother doesn’t take my physical health problems seriously. But then she’s never taken my mental health problems seriously either (Parental Avoidance). Even after my suicide attempts and self-harming: although I didn’t tell her until long after these behaviours had started (Awkward Phone Call With My Mum About My Childhood).
So it’s of little wonder that it’s causing me anxiety to use my disability freedom pass. I’ve never had any support from my mum with my mental and physical health problems. Especially when I’ve seen, both in the news and in person, the kind of harassment people can get for their disability due to the “special treatment” they get.
“Hopefully, this anxiousness will pass”
It won’t stop me using my disability freedom pass, because it should save me a fair bit of money. Hopefully, this anxiousness will pass after a few months, once I’ve used the pass a lot and nothing happens.
It’ll also be interesting to see if I actually go out more or not, now that the cost of travelling isn’t an issue. I would like to think it would, provided my face doesn’t keep breaking out in disgusting spots: one of the main reasons I don’t go out much and don’t make any plans.
On another note, I also realised theirs potentially another downside to having this pass. I’m clearly not going to walk when I could/should, now that getting a bus is free. Hopefully, I won’t develop that bad habit.
So that’s my post, have any of you experienced this kind of problem with a hidden disability? Or just not having loved ones not supporting you with your physical/mental health issues? I’d love to hear about it in the comments sections below. Lastly, if you want to stay up-to-date with my blog, then you should sign up to my newsletter.