I briefly mentioned that I’d be spending Christmas with my partner at their place in my previous post – Christmas: How To Manage The Festive Holidays. What I didn’t go into any detail about is how difficult it is for me to do so. Thus, ‘Out Of My Comfort Zone – Christmas Edition’ was born.
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Inside My Comfort Zone
Much like my ‘Fear Of Going Somewhere New‘, I also don’t like staying over at other people’s places. My partner’s place is no exception. And if you’ve read my article on ‘The Weird Behaviour Of My Anxiety Disorders‘ from earlier in the year, then you might be able to guess why spending Christmas at my partner’s place is such a problem for me.
My home is my only comfort zone, but it’s only my comfort zone when I’m on my own. And because I live in a single room, it makes my room my only comfort zone, but it’s only my comfort zone when I’m alone in my room.
My room is the only place I can sleep properly, but I can only sleep properly when I’m sleeping alone. Being on my own in my own place is the only time I can switch off. But even then, I can’t switch off completely. I live in a shared flat, and although I share the flat with strangers so that I’d be left alone, I still have to deal with people.
When I go to cook, use the bathroom, etc., I might bump into someone. Plus one of the other tenants keeps knocking on my door to chat with me about stuff I don’t care about or to give me my mail. Just leave my mail by my door, you don’t need to hand it to me personally.
Outside My Comfort Zone
As has been the norm for the last few years, I’ll be spending it with my partner at their place. This is the only time of year I stay over at my partner’s and is the only time of year I stay over at anyone else’s place. I just don’t like to stay over at other people’s places.
Unless I’m going on holiday, which is also rare, I will only ever sleep at my own place. I hate sleeping at places that aren’t my own place, always have, always will.
I never feel comfortable at someone else’s place, even less so when I’m staying over. As such, I’ve rarely ever stayed over at anyone else’s place. My partner is fully aware of my issues around this, and it’s rarely been a problem. But Christmas is where the default changes.
But it’s not just I hate staying over at a place that isn’t mine, I also don’t like sharing my bed with someone either (for the pretty much the same reasons). I used to always sleep on the side of the bed facing the wall, so my face would be less likely to be seen during the night or in the morning. Now I sleep on the side easiest to get out of the bed without waking the other person up, so there’s less chance of them seeing my face.
I’m constantly consumed with the fear that I’ll have developed disgusting spots while I sleep, that it makes it difficult for me to actually sleep. But even if I do sleep, it still means I never get a proper break from my anxiety about my appearance. Thus, the only way I can ever get a break from my anxiety disorders is to be alone.
To make matters worse, this Christmas is a double whammy. Normally when I stay at my partner’s over Christmas their family comes down to us for Christmas day. But this year we’re going to visit them two days after Christmas because my partner doesn’t want the stress of us cooking Christmas dinner for everyone again.
Which I totally get, because I am perfectly happy not making a fuss on Christmas. I’ve spent most of my Christmases alone due to this fact.
However, not only do I now have to stay over longer at my partner’s place, there’s even more of a chance that I’ll have an outbreak of spots due to this situation.
Last year I had a horrible break out of spots on Boxing Day and kept half my face hidden for two straight days because of it. The year before that I came down with a throat and chest infection. Whenever I seem to stay over at someone’s place or stay in holiday accommodation, I always seem to have an outbreak due, in part, to not being able to sleep properly. Because of this fact, my fear of it is never-ending. I even avoid going on holiday because of this.
This is why I’ve spent so much time trying to find good skincare products so I no longer have to worry about this problem. But everything I try I’m always let down by the shady way these companies behave (A Moisturiser Review: Complex Skin And Mental Health). I’d cut off my right leg to stop having dry skin and unclogged pores so I can stop being consumed with worries about spots whenever I’m around other people.
Now, I have the stress and anxiety that I’m most likely going to have poor sleep, become run down (due to the poor sleep), and then have an outbreak of spots when we have to visit my partner’s parents. Which I can’t really back out of. I’d have preferred to have them come to us on Christmas day or go visit them the week after Christmas so I can have time to recover at home first, before going to visit them.
I’m absolutely dreading this Christmas.
I Hope You Have A Great Christmas
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Unwanted Life readers.