Post “Making Plans” Blues
I’ve noticed that since the events that took part in “Making Plans” post, I’ve actually sunk into a depressive state, whereas before I’d been in a more high functioning depressive state. I’m not sure why I’ve sunk into a more depressed state and nothing seems to be working to take me back to a higher functioning depressive state.
It seems to be at it’s worst between 14.00-17.00, and it causes me to stop caring about eating healthier food, which I’d been doing with a fair amount of success for the last month or so. I went and bought southern fried chicken and chips and some chocolate in the hopes that would make me feel a tiny bit better, but it didn’t, it just made me feel worse. I couldn’t bring myself to cook any of the food I had because it was all healthy no/low carb stuff, and I’m tired of eating that.
With each chip I ate, the worse I felt, eating each chip slower than the chip before it, as each chip brought me closer to tears. Feeling a deep sadness and emptiness that was dragging me closer to the edge of despair.
I’m trying to eat healthy in order to lose some of the weight my comfort eating has caused me to gain (My Relationship With Food) because I’ve put on quite a bit. This is due to my appearance always being a source of depression for me, from the racial abuse (Suicidal Child) that caused me to have a racial identity problem, to issues with my body image, and the problems I have with my very dry skin and blocked pores, which, as a result, often causes outbreaks of disgusting spots. All of which means I hate seeing myself in the mirror.
So it didn’t help that while I’m struggling to hold myself together as I’m slowly eating these chips that seemed to be chipping away at my soul with each one consumed, that when I go to clean my teeth and wash my face as I get ready for bed, and I’m greeted by the return of a horrible yellow spot and a new yellow spot as well. Just what I needed, to feel worse just before I try to sleep. But my issues with my appearance I’ll address at a later date.
I was, and still am, stuck feeling miserable for no obvious reason, and nothing seems to be able to lift my mood for more than a couple of seconds. When I get into states like this, theirs not much I can do because my motivation to try to do anything just disappears. I just have to ride it out and wait to come out the other side of it all.